Taylor Swift is so right about you.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
