ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
