my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
