Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
