Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
