I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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