Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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