This house was built for laser tag.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
