I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
