I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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