Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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