so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
You smell like stripper and shame
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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