did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
