I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
