So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
