If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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