Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
