One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
