I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
