considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
