i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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