Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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