i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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