you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
