2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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