I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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