Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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