I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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