What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
