I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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