I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
