Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
