My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
