in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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