and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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