She is in my trunk
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
