so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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