I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
