Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Randomize
