spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
