I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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