the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
