my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
