Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
