i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
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Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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