I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
my poor anus
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
