so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
