I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
