the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
