so explain again why im purple
no
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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