Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
