Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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