if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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