I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
