I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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