now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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