Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
