Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
